Draco Malfoy Goes to Woolly Croton
by TypoNumber5
Summary: "Yer a scientist, Draco!" Draco Malfoy is invited to attend Woolly Croton School for Science and Engineering. For some reason, he accepts. Terrible things happen. NOW PLAYING: Draco Malfoy vs Email. NEXT UP: Draco Malfoy vs An Airport.
1. Draco Malfoy vs A Letter

**Draco Malfoy vs A Letter**

The only reason Draco saw the letter was because they were screening his mail. Normally he wouldn't have bothered with a such a letter– the envelope was made of thin, cheap paper and looked like it would contain a mail-in offer for soap samples– but someone in Postal Control thought it looked suspicious and set it aside. Then it had somehow worked its way up to Harry Pus-face.

Draco and his mother were on house-arrest, so Harry Pimple-chin and his Merry Band of Scum Lickers personally made a call to the Malfoy Manor roughly three weeks after the letter had been set aside.

The Boy Who Was Quite Unpleasant To Look At had brought both of his little sidekicks: Scum Licker #1, the Weasel King; and Scum Licker #2, the Newly Crowned Weasel Queen, Formerly Known As Frizzmeralda of Hairis, Formerly Known As The Beaver Child. For some reason, Scum Licker #1's father, the Muggle-Fuggler, was also present and looked oddly excited.

Draco's mother reluctantly made them tea and set out a plate of cheap cookies she had bought before the war for the sole purpose of serving to unwanted guests.

"Now Draco," Harry Plopper said after a few minutes of very painful small talk, "we have something very serious to talk about."

He handed Draco the letter, and our Most Magnificent Malfoy opened and read it.

_Dear Draco Malfoy,_

_We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at _Woolly Croton School for Science and Engineering._ Please find below your computing ID and temporary password. Please follow instructions to log into your Croton student account. Further information will be emailed to you. _

_Yours sincerely, _

_Maximus McConnell_

"What the troll piss?" Draco asked, passing the letter to his mother.

"It's very highly regarded," Scum Licker #2 said, looking mystifyingly envious under her Muskrat-Meets-Devil's-Snare haircut. "You could get into any university you want with a diploma from Woolly Croton."

Draco wasn't sure what a university was. It sounded suspiciously muggle.

"I thought it was only a legend!" the Muggle-Fuggle nearly squealed. "They're incredibly secretive."

"No one knows how their selection process works," Scum Licker #2 continued, "but it is incredibly competitive."

"What," said Draco's mother in a nervous voice, "is sky-ance?"

"_Science_," Scum Licker #1 corrected with the smugness of someone who had learned the word himself only moments earlier.

Then Scum Licker #2 stood and gave them a horrifying speech about muggle inquiry and experiments with nasty muggle things and something about muggle arithmancy and astronomy, perfectly respectable subjects which Draco was sure they had ruined forever.

"But what does that have to do with my son?" Draco's mother asked with a hint of panic in her voice. "He has to go back to Hogwarts in September."

All of the wizarding children were redoing the past year, except for perhaps Harry Puke-Glasses, who was too conceited.

"It's very simple," the Muggle-Fuggler said, reeling in his obvious excitement at the prospect of Draco's life being ruined forever by muggles. "We think that– given the Malfoys' current circumstances– this is a very good opportunity for Draco to prove that his family has truly changed their ways, and perhaps shorten his father's sentence. Do you accept?"

Draco and his mother exchanged a long look. A chance to save his father in Azkaban and redeem his family's shattered reputation? Could he really say no to such an opportunity, no matter the personal sacrifice?

Draco gave a single nod, then swallowed back bile welling up in his throat.

The Boy Who Was Most Definitely More Diabolical Than The Dark Lord grinned and held out his hand for Draco to shake.

"Draco, yer a scientist."

Draco's mother burst into tears.


	2. Draco Malfoy vs An Invalid Password

**Draco Malfoy vs An Invalid Password**

"Oh Draco," Pansy had sobbed when he gave her the news, "They shall write songs about your noble sacrifice! The undoing of the wizarding world begins not with the upraise of mudbloods, but with the sacrifice of a single man's soul…"

Then Scum Licker #2, the Book Muncher, had interrupted their snogging session to drag him to a muggle library to "register" for "school." They apparated to an alley somewhere in London and walked three blocks, Draco making very sure not to make eye contact with any of the passing muggles, just as his parents had taught him.

When the doors to the library opened on their own (as doors should before the Magnificence of the Marvelous Malfoy), Draco had a glimmer of hope that maybe this wouldn't be so horrible after all. Then a little boy pushed past him with an armful of pictures books that _didn't_ read themselves to you and Draco knew he was doomed.

Scum Licker #2 ignored all the gross muggle books and led him over to a desk, all business-like. The desk had a black stand with an ugly and strangely luminescent painting on it. In front of the stand was a tray with letters painted on it (not even in the right order! Stupid muggles) and a strange little black lump.

"This is a computer," Scum Licker #2, Grand Duchess of SPEW, said briskly. "You control it with this– the mouse– and the keyboard."

She then started rambling about cursers and alphanumeric something or others. Draco glared down in disgust at this "mouse." Why was it called that? Had they petrified a real mouse and then it had become black and misshapen from being handled by too many filthy muggle hands? He wouldn't put it past them.

"Now, move the cursor over to the Firefox icon and double click," she instructed.

"Considering my current position," Draco sneered, "I don't think I'm in any position to be cursing anything."

"What? No, use the curSOR, the little arrow."

Draco just sneered back at her. It was evident he was completely lost.

"You can control it with the mouse."

Sneer, sneer, sneer.

"Just move the mouse."

Sneeeer.

"Draco, if you go to a science school, you're going to need to learn how to how to use a computer. Now move the mouse."

"I'm not touching a mouse."

"It's not a real mouse! It's _plastic_."

"I'm not touching anything made out of something with the word _ass_ in it."

"Stop being a prat."

"Don't _touch_ me, Granger!"

"JUST MOVE THE FREAKING MOUSE."

"GET OFF OF ME."

"JUST– MOVE– YOUR– HAND–"

"UNHAND ME. YOU SMELL OF PERSPERATION AND MUGGLE."

After several more lines of similar dialogue, Draco grabbed the mouse and held it up above his head.

"…the arrow didn't move."

"AAAAAAAARGH."

Scum Licker #2, Lordess of Boring Speeches, had to excuse herself for a few minutes during which she went and looked up all the countries that had hosted the Olympics and in which years. It was a coping mechanism.

She returned to find our Most Handsome and Clever Hero, who was glaring down at his designer dragonhide shoes.

"This," she said through gritted teeth, leaning over to grip the computer mouse herself, "is how you use a computer."

She demonstrated how the mouse and keyboard worked, then talked him through logging onto the Woolly Croton website.

Unfortunately, Draco typed by thoughtfully glaring at the keyboard and slowing pressing the keys, one by one. Every few letters he would look up and double check that he'd typed everything right. One time he noticed that he had made a typo several letters ago, but instead of scrolling back to it, he deleted the entire word and retyped it.

_No wonder muggles can't get anything done right_, Draco thought as he copied the Woolly Croton web address from his letter. _This is the most ridiculously slow method of writing ever conceived._

Meanwhile, Scum Licker #2 was horrified to realize that our Excellent and Amazing Hero was at the same computing level as a kindergartener.

After ten minutes of snapping at each other, Her Royal Smart Ass managed to navigate Draco through the twisted pop-up ads of the internet and enter his computing ID and password. The library wifi loaded the next page painfully slowly and then…

_**User ID and password do not match.**_

"Malfoy," Scum Licker #2 whined, "you typed it wrong."

"Did not," our Wondrous and Infinitely Correct Hero whined right back.

Yet, after three more tries by Draco, and two more by the Scum Licker, the log in still failed.

Her Most Majestic Pain in the Ass dragged Draco back to the main counter of the library and asked to borrow a foam.

"Yeah, our service inside sucks," the girl behind the desk said. "Dial 99 to exit."

She handed the Scum Licker a device that was definitely _not _made out of foam. It was shaped vaguely like a banana and attached to a box with numbers on it.

"Hello," the Scum Licker said into the device after pressing a few buttons. "Could you put me through to the Woolly Croton School for Science and Engineering?"

Draco looked around to see if anyone would notice the Prime Example of Mudbloods Losing It talking to a misshapen banana-thing. But the counter girl was going about her business like normal.

"Admissions, please. Thank you."

Draco was forced to conclude that muggles just talked to themselves all the time. It would explain why he once found a mudblood first year yelling frantically into a little box with numbers.

After babbling into the banana-thing for several minutes, the Scum Licker said good bye to it and gave it back to the librarian.

"There was a typo on your admissions letter," the Former Baroness of Buck Teeth explained.

She lead him back to the computer, Draco being too proud to ask what a Tai Po was. It sounded like a type of Asian cuisine.

He managed to repeat the steps that had gotten him to the Woolly Croton website and pressed the buttons of his 'new' password. The computer's painting changed to display a copy of his letter of acceptance. At the bottom it said 'next,' so he moved the arrow down to that and pressed. The painting changed again to show a bunch of mumbo jumbo about fees and semester dates and policies. At the bottom the painting asked him if he accepted admission.

"Click 'yes'," Scum Licker #2 instructed. Draco did so.

"Okay," the Scum Licker continued, "now you're formally admitted to Woolly Croton!"

Our Most Diligent and Intelligent Hero frowned up at the stupid, smelly girl. "Shouldn't I send in a letter? How is a painting going to tell the school that I accepted?"

The Girl Brave Enough to Snog a Weasel sighed. "Malfoy, there aren't enough words in the English language to explain the internet to you."


	3. Draco Malfoy vs Email

**Draco Malfoy vs Email**

"This is called email,"explained Scum Licker #2. "It is a way of receiving mail on a computer. This is a list of all the mail you have. The bolded ones– er, the ones with thicker letters– are new."

Draco glared at his 'email account.' Apparently, at Woolly Croton he'd have TWO mailing addresses, one for real mail and one for… weird little computer notes. It actually looked pretty self-explanatory– one column for the name of the sender, one with the subject of the message, and one for the date it was sent.

But it was still stupid. Because a stupid muggle made it.

"The ones already here are from the school. They look like they have information about registering for classes and so on…"

And so Our Hero found himself doing the last thing he'd thought he'd ever do with one mudblood, Miss Hermione Fugly-Face Granger. And that was sit in a library and read together. Miss Fugly-Face made him practice using email by sending himself a computer note.

"Why the gilly weed would I do that?"

"It's just for practice. Using email is going to be vital for you."

And so Miss Fussy-Pants Fugly-Face decided all on her own that Draco was going to write himself email containing all the pertinent and interesting information he found in his emails from his future school and from "browsing" their "web site."

_draco's list of stupid muggle things_

_1. _

"You can make a capital letter with the shift key…"

_Draco's List_

"You know you don't have to delete the ENTIRE thing to fix mistakes–"

"Shut it, Granger."

_Draco List of Stupid Muggle Things_

_1. There is no uniform, but there is a strict dress code._

_2. I will be provided with a school-issued laptop, which is a type of computer according to Frizz-Face. _

"Haha, very mature. And you can use two hands to type, you know."

"No one likes to hear you talk."

_3. The school is located on a muggle-government owned island. _

_4. Tuition and room and board are expensive as unicorn piss, but the ministry will pay for me because I'm awesome and they're muggle-fuggling gits._

_5. The curriculum is based heavily in mathematics and science but also has a humanities component. _

_6. There are four dormitories, which are suite-styled, which is supposed to mean something to me. _

"You type slower than my baby cousin. Why are you wasting time with smart ass comments?"

_7. Granger runs her mouth too much. _

"Hardy har."

_8. I am enrolled in a special, 2-year intensive program. There is also a less concentrated 4-year program. _

_9. I am to uphold the Statute of Secrecy at all times, which sounds difficult, but muggles didn't notice two full-blown wizarding wars in the past twenty years, so there. _

"Malfoy!"

Our Hero clicked 'send' like a boss who know what the banshee's boil he was message appeared in his 'inbox,' and Draco felt a little flicker of gleeful accomplishment followed by a deep, deep sense of wizarding shame.

"See, Granger?" he said leaning back in his chair. "Not so hard."

She rolled her eyes. "Well, let's just see how you do when you have to find your course syllabus online."

Our Fabulous Hero snorted. "I've already got this whole 'internet' thing figured out."

"Oh really?" She Who Hails From Muggleland deadpanned.

"Yeah," he said. Draco leaned over and picked one of the many cords coming out of the computer. "They just hooked up a bunch of paintings. They hung cords all over the place so all the computer-paintings in the world are connected. That's why muggles have those other cords hanging in the sky. Then they just send words to one another. It's the oldest trick in the book– you could do the same thing with the paintings at Hogwarts, but wizarding paintings are too clever to just do whatever you want. Luckily muggles are too stupid to give their paintings personalities, and so their paintings either just don't move or become mindless slaves."

"Wow," said She of Much Less Intelligence Than Our Beloved Hero. "Wow, just… blimey, Malfoy."

And she gave him a slow applause.

* * *

><p><em>I should note here that I don't have the slightest idea how the British school system works. Research? What's that?<em>


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